[Originally written on 15 June 2014]

I have been writing on and off about relationships and my observations of the world after my divorce over four years ago.  The reason I started writing after my divorce was because suddenly I found myself in a new world outside of my picket fence and my European SUV.  Having been married to a semi-dictator who cared for very little, but himself and money, I missed out on living my life to the fullest during this sentence.  For twelve years I observed life like a prisoner looking at and hearing of those who had access to freedom and admiring them from afar. My world though, was a narrative written and told by anyone but me. Yes very very dramatic indeed.

When my status changed from ‘married’ to ‘single’, it was like shackles had been taken off my feet and I could run any where, any time at any speed for as long as I wanted and falling in ditches frequently.  I was no longer just hearing a narrative, but I was writing it.  Freedom is, indeed, priceless.

I was under the impression that I had come out of my marriage unscathed and with my sanity intact. What I did not realise was that there was a void in my soul that I tried to fill fast as I could with meaningless debris of useless and random people. Since my ex-husband’s friends were the only friends I was allowed to have, I often flung myself onto anyone who would show an ounce of kindness towards me or interest in talking to me. This is one of the reasons I walked straight into a relationship with a semi-deranged and insanely jealous man within a few months of my separation. I walked away from that toxicity over a year later thanking my lucky stars that I still had the strength and brains to do so. I gave myself plenty of credit for being smart at that time and walking away, but seriously what was I thinking going into it in the first place?

I was reluctantly single for two years after that disaster and immersed myself in my new found group of friends. Finding that perfect man to be with was somewhat of a goal, because I needed to be valued by someone enough to want to spend their life with me. I partied hard, worked hard and studied hard to gain an MBA.  However, the void was still there and I had an intense need to fill it.  I met another man after I finished my MBA, who seemed much saner than my previous sub-optimal choices.  This guy had a good job, lived not too far from me and seemed to really really like me – on paper this was perfection to the core.  Despite not being attracted to him on the first date because I found him boring, I forced myself to give him a chance.  Well, there now is the first sign that I was still a desperate and needy mess.  Ten months later, after putting on weight from all the food and wine we consumed together, that relationship also failed. This man decided that he wanted a ‘fresh start’ overseas with no notice, clearly without me.

At that time I made myself a coffee, sat down with myself and asked myself the question, ‘why?’  Why was I never able to find the right guy?  Why did all my relationships fail?  I reasoned with myself for a few days before I mapped out my patterns and realised….I was trying to get to know others before I even gave myself a chance to get to know the new me as a free woman.  I never cried when I ended that relationship, although my heart felt heavy and my feet felt weighed down.  To me this was a sign of sadness, not because yet another relationship had failed, but because I had not trusted myself with my instincts when they stood in front on me and screamed in my face.

The upside of this breakup was that the weight I had put on was lost in about five days.  The nauseous feeling in my gut prevented me from stomaching anything but coffee; I would occasionally supplement coffee with water.  But that was it.  However, standing on the scales and finding that I was five kilos lighter definitely put a smile on my face.  Coffee had given me a reason to smile and made me realise that while I was still shallow and messed up with skewed priorities, at least now I was skinny, messed up and shallow with skewed priorities.

I think getting to know and understand myself is going to take some time.  The key is to let myself breathe in this open expanse of freedom that lies ahead of me.  This is my time to grow, to set some parameters, to speak up, to build my life and travel the world without the guilt of leaving man behind.  I have realised that I don’t need to go looking for answers, but while I sit and sip on my coffee, the answers will come and find me – hopefully one day soon.