I am going through a strange life experience at the moment, kicking and screaming.  I call it ‘change’.  And I don’t like change. Change pisses me off.

I finished a very lucrative contract at the end of 2014 with a Silicon Valley company and although I was very confident I would get another contract or another job very soon, I found myself struggling to find another role at the beginning of 2015.

Life has a strange way of leading you to a door you are too bloody scared to open, because it forces you to take a chance and step into the unknown.  That unknown could be good or bad, but it is still a chance you need to take and a something you can never prepare for.

I have been waiting at this door for a few weeks now, too scared to open it, holding on to a pattern my life has followed so far; get up, go to the gym, get dressed, go to work (from the home office in most of my jobs), play corporate politics, drink copious amounts of coffee, earn a living, finish work, bitch about work to your kids and (somewhat mentally unstable) partner, cook, eat, stress about what needs to be done the next day and then try to get a bit of sleep – rinse, repeat.

While that pattern served a purpose when it was needed to provide me financial security and nurture my need to feel successful, it now seems redundant.  Some residue of that pattern still exists in my life as a gentle reminder that I had am fundamentally programmed to enjoy stress and spare time is a term foreign to me.  However, these days, I am really enjoying being able write from a random restaurant while enjoying a glass of wine at lunch time, catching up with my friends when ever I want and actually engaging with my kids and helping them with homework.

So here’s the thing.  I worked hard and earned a good living when I needed it.  I re-built my life successfully after my divorce without any help from anyone because it had to be done.  Every emotion, every event, every person in my life has been there to serve a purpose at a time when it was relevant.  Letting go of something that has served its purpose should not be an unsavoury or negative experience, but I should perceived it as a gift that life gave me to move from one stage to the next.

Therefore, I need to let go of crap.  I am not trivialising the experiences, patterns and people from my past by calling them crap, but I need to declutter and make a fresh start.  Just like cleaning my wardrobe (God, that is a scary thought) and finding all this ‘crap’ i-e., shoes and clothes I forgot I had (some still with labels on) and simply putting them in a bag and giving them away to charity – even the the designer ones.

So here’s to sipping wine at lunch time and doing what I love…..being creative, writing what ever I want from where ever I want and knowing that I still need to open that bloody door at some point and step into the unknown.